To Cry or Not to Cry

Why is it that I can cry when I see other people in pain? Yet, I cannot shed a tear when I am in pain? 

Just finished watching Jack Layton's funeral on TV.  Tears of sadness, of loss, of even humor, ran down my face.  It was so very touching.  I have voted NDP for such a long time.  It was such a thrill to see the NDP as the official opposition at last.  Maybe they had a chance at the next election.  Oh there are a few things that I do not necessarily agree with in their policies, but overall, they come so close to my ideals.  If not for the NDP, we would not have had medicare.  They do care for those who have no voice.

I was first touched by Jack when I saw Canada's 'apology to the First Nations' for the wrong that was done to them in the past.  I saw all parties offer their apology.  Somehow Jack touched me the most - he seemed to be saying what he was saying from his heart - not from a script.  That was when I first realized what a truly great person he was.  I will always remember that particular moment.

Seeing how brave his wife Olivia was reminded me of myself (not that I am comparing myself to her in any way shape or form - I am not as great a person as she is).  But her stoic composure, her being the 'rock' of the family, did remind me of me (bad grammar here but who cares).

So I sat and listened and watched and I cried. 

Yet, when I feel pain (be it the loss of some of my siblings), be it the insults and non-caring atttitudes of other family members, I cannot cry.  I know this is due to the fact that I had to learn to be brave for my son - I cried so hard the last time he was hospitalized that somehow tears ran out.  Yet I know they are there - I can cry for the pain of others. 

Yesterday, I went golfing.  I felt a deep sadness.  I am not sure exactly why.  I asked my husband afterwards how he had enjoyed his game of golf.  He said he had not really enjoyed it - there was just something different about it yesterday.  I am not sure why. (There is a reason I am mentioning this now, but it is rather private).

When I got home from golfing, my son had taken a message from the hospital.  I had went for my regular INR blood work on Thursday.  They phoned and my son had written down that I was not to take one pill of warfarin once and to go for tests in 2 weeks.  He did not know more.  I could not reach the number that had called as it was now the weekend.  I am taking 2 pills (of different strengths) of warfarin - so was not sure what the message was.  So I called the doctor on call and went to see her.  My INR was 3.4 (it should be between 2 and 3 (too high may mean internal bleeding).  She advised me which strength to stop - not just for one day but until I get the results of my next INR test - which she advised I get done next Wednesday - not wait 2 weeks.  She said stopping one pill one day would do  no good.  So I stopped taking one of the pills this morning.  I hope perhaps the urologist who is doing the cystoscopy on Tuesday might shed more light - at least HE is doing the procedure and he will know the results right away.  I have gotten no results of any of my last tests (I know - no news is good news).  I am likely concerned over nothing and will feel foolish - but happy :o)

In the meantime - I will make an appt (in September) with a therapist - psychologist - because I know that I have too many feelings bottled within me.  And sometimes I do feel alone.