Monday 22 August 2011

Monday

I hope only my friends read my blog and not the majority of my family.  They tend to put me down - when I am feeling down - for whatever strange reason. 

I had posted a question on my FB page asking my friends if they would accept an invitation to an event if they received the invitation second hand.  Well, the backlash I received over that from my brother (who was hosting the event).  He even went so far as to say I needed to talk to someone - a therapist (I think the word psychiatrist was even mentioned).  That families should not have to invite people to events (well duh... yeah in my family they do).  For whatever reason, I do not like to just drop in unannounced or to accept an invite 2nd hand.  Just wanted to post to see what my friends thought.  Did not think my brother would think I was 'crazy' (he did not use that term).  When I told him that I was under stress (re my medical condition), he told me that one thing that had served him well in all his years with AA was the saying 'fake it till you make it'.  Some words of support to me - I guess - in his opinion.

Sure I was hurt.  So I sent him an email because I was starting to think that maybe I did need to talk to a psychologist (a psychiatrist just prescribes meds - talk therapy is through a psychologist).  So I asked him if he really thought I needed to talk to a 'therapist' - that I understood mental illness enough to know that if one has a chemical imbalance, one does not necessarily know one has a problem (altho my husband told me I was OK).  Well, my brother called me again and told me he could not tell me whether I should see a psychiatrist, only a psychiatrist could tell me that.  Now, don't get me wrong, but if I need to see a psychiatrist, would I go see one so the psychiatrist could tell me whether or not I needed to see one?  It is like putting the cart before the horse.  I am willing to listen to peoples suggestions and take them under consideration, but this did not quite make sense of me.

So now I am totally afraid of what I post on my Facebook page - thinking that my family (or most of them) will take them the wrong way.  Yeah I am under some stress - I just wish my family would encourage me rather than kick me when I am down.  Sure, I may not act or say what they want to hear.  Sure, I want to delete them from my Facebook, but I know there will be backlash if I do that. 

Maybe I will talk to a psychologist - we used to see one as a family when my son was doing drugs and when he first got ill.  It helped.  I once had a major disagreement with one of my sisters at that time.  The psychologist advised me to talk to her and let her know the way I felt - it was her criticizing the things I told my other sister who was in the hospital with brain cancer.  She would nudge me with her elbow and then privately tell me I should not be 'joking' about things with her.  Well, I am who I am and I truly did not think that what I was saying was offensive or disturbing - what I was saying was not about her illness - it was saying a funny joke or a funny story.  Well the psychologist told me to tell my sister that.  So I got up the courage one day when we were leaving the hospital to let her know I did not mean anything by the things I told my other sister (she had poked me with her elbow earlier) - I told her I was who I was and that Julie (my sister with brain cancer) knew this (we had worked together for over 20 years and she knew me well).  Well my sister did not like the fact that I had talked to a psychologist about her, went to jump out of the car - I told her to NOT do that - that I would drive her straight home.  She was very upset at me for a long time - because I had discussed my feelings with a psychologist. 

So do I go talk to a psychologist about the way I feel now about how my family are treating me?  Would that insult them?  Do they just want me to be a carbon copy of them?  I am who I am. 

Anyway - it might be worth the time to go talk to a psychologist and let get her opinion and make sure I am thinking straight.  At least here I can be who I am. 

Other news is that I go for my CT Scan on Sept. 21st.

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