Day 59

Day 59 ... hmmm - that would be 8 weeks plus a few days. Have lost 14 pounds which averages around 2 pounds a week. I feel better, have more stamina, and find that exercising is good for my health (both emotionally and physically). I try to exercise now at different times during the day (or evening).

It really has become easier to exercise - am reaching 250+ burned off calories on my exercise bike and after doing my stomach crunches, I am not as tired.

This week, I actually thought I would have put on weight as I went out to a restaurant and ate some pasta and last night, I made some beanless chili (putting in Tostilos instead of beans in the casserole). Plus had 2 pieces of home-made garlic bread. But I am seeing that as long as I exercise every day, I can eat these things and not put on weight - even lose some. Surprise, surprise.

The strange part of my weight loss program is that I am starting to get comments about the way I look. But strange comments. Three people have asked me if I had gotten a haircut. Now, this strikes me as strange and I actually wonder if hair can lose weight. But the fact is that I am letting my hair grow out - I want to grow a 'bob' - shoulder length hair. So when I started the weight loss program without the word 'die' in it, I had gone to my hairdresser who suggested that my hair would look thicker and better if I let it grow a bit - so have not had a haircut since before losing those 14 never-to-seen again pounds. So why are people looking at me and asking if I have cut my hair? Don't know - maybe they see a slight difference in the way I look but can't quite put a finger on what it is yet. Which is OK. Come spring, I will be able to shed some clothes and reveal a new body behind the layers of clothes I wear. Shock, shock, to everyone.

I keep myself busy during the day - joined a creative non-fiction class. Submitted short stories to two contests. Whether I win or not, I know these are good stories.

My creative non-fiction class started last Thursday. We had a homework assignment - which was to write down 12 questions that would reveal the essence of a person without getting into anything too personal. One question I came up with was 'what makes you smile'. Then yesterday morning, I thought about the question and asked myself that same question. And found that I could not answer it. The realization came that there is not not much in my life to smile about. Sure, I love jokes and smile. Sure, I watch a funny movie and I smile or laugh. But what makes ME smile? It was a cruel twist to realize that my life did not contain many 'smiling' moments - I paid attention yesterday to see when I smiled and why. And in bed last night, I realized that I had not smiled in earnest all day and actually for quite a while. Sure, I smiled at people, I pretended I was happy. But was I? I realize that when I smile, it is when I am with people, when others make me smile, be it a pun (have a few friends who are great at puns). Subtlety is essential to a good pun. Fun puns are great. I enjoy making them, and I enjoy hearing them. So I posted a question on my FB wall asking my friends what makes them smile and hope that it does not create the sadness it created in me. But I digress....... this is about my weight loss (which really should make me smile). Inside I am glad I am losing weight. I want to be healthier.

So I continue putting one foot in front of the other (or in the case of when I am on my bike, feet turn around and around) and I look forward to exercising today. It is a joy. Does it make me smile? Not really. It just gives me a sense of accomplishment.

Then again, I did smile when I sent off my entries to the 2 contests this month. Will I smile 'when' I win? I don't know. Smiling comes from within. Maybe after I finish all my blogs about my weight loss and when I reach my target goal, then I will examine why I do not have a smile that exists deep within me. Or accept life as it is. Or change my life.

People are essential to my happiness. That much I do know. A touch is also important but touches are few and far between. But again, that is a subject to be dealt with another day.