It has been a while since I posted. And that is OK. I have decided to stop smoking and somehow, I ended up being sick. Funny how sickness is what made me decide to no longer smoke, and since then, I have been even sicker - I thought it should have made me feel better - never mind the withdrawals (I knew I would experience those). But now that I am starting to feel better (fever finally gone), I now have decided to blog again.
For those who believe that my illness and my fever was caused by my body's reaction to not smoking, I beg to differ. My mother-in-law, in her infinite wisdom, decided to come for a visit (first visit in over 4 years) when she was ill with a fever. 2 days later, I came down with her germ. I will never understand why people decide to visit when they are not feeling well. But such was the case. Oh well (as I tend to say a lot of lately).
There are times when I crave a smoke - I had to actually grieve the loss of this dear friend of mine - after all, it was always there - when I was lonely, when I was bored, when I wanted a break. I have grieved many times in my life, and this is just another one of those times. But I sometimes miss my trusted friend who was always there for me - in good times and in bad times.
But I cling to the fact that I will eventually accept that my friend (my cigarette) is now a thing of the past and will be replaced with a better friend - (healthier lungs, more money (altho money is not my motivator). I started smoking when it was totally cool to do so, and I became an addict. I admit that - humbly and without embarrassment. I do not judge those who still smoke because I totally understand where they are coming from and how hard this addiction is to overcome (and I am not about to say that I am a non-smoker). But for today, I choose to not smoke. That keeps me from smoking. If I think of 2 days from now, of 2 weeks from now, of 2 months from now, I know I cannot do it. But for today, yes I can do it. And tomorrow, I will see...
I know that right now, I am low on energy and I am not sure if it because I am not smoking or am still recuperating from my mother-in-law's gift when she came over. I will wait and see if I have more energy tomorrow. I know I must have more energy today than yesterday, because I am actually typing this Blog - something that did not appeal to me yesterday, as I coughed. And even more than a few days ago when I battled a 5 day fever of 102-103 and no energy whatsoever. I did lose 7 pounds during the process (due to the fact that I was constantly also battling nausea and all I could eat was jello - not just any jellow mind you. If I could only stomach jello, then it had to be cherry jello. Nothing else would do. Jello and water.
Will I smoke tomorrow? I push that thought out of my mind and just concentrate on today. It is enough to think about.
I know you can do it, Louise. As they say... one day at a time. I know, I know, a cliche and one of the worst but you'll soon wonder why you ever craved the action.
ReplyDeleteDon't dwell on the fever, the lack of energy, the struggle - realize you're getting healthier and gaining so much. Use the money you're saving for yourself, your writing and celebrate. Don't forget to celebrate with every day of success, not with food but something you do just for yourself. Blogging, say. :)
I'm proud to say I never smoked so I don't know exactly what you're going through but 3/5 of my family "struggle" with the addiction, not to mention the friends that do it with them. What was once a choice for them is now addiction and choice and I see the devastation, I feel it, that their actions have on so many around them.
Be strong, reach out and know that you are not weak, you are growing stronger.
Louise I love your blog! It will take time to heal and you will. Keep the Faith.
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