Sunday - Answers to Questions of the Week

TO WEAR A MASK OR NOT TO WEAR A MASK – this is the Answer

"I love walking in the rain, because then no one can see me cry"

Isn’t that a rather sad commentary of our world today?  And yet, so many are doing just that…… so many people are afraid to be who they truly are out of fear – fear of rejection, fear that no-one will love them or accept them.  They have learned, a long time ago, that in order to survive, they had to wear a mask – the mask of protection.

They say that when we were born, we were born with only 2 fears – the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises.  Then we grew up and we learned to fear other things, the worse being the fear of being our authentic selves.   

I am a former Heavy-Weight Mask wearer (and still am a Light-Weight Mask wearer at times).  I learned early in life, that my authentic self was never good enough.  I learned that people judged me harshly if I   was authentic, so I slowly started to learn that masks were valuable things, or so I thought.

Now that I am an adult, I have had to ask myself (for my own sake) why I still chose to hide who I was inside.  Was it even possible to get through life without putting on a mask? 

We all want to be who we truly are.  I remember God’s answer to Moses when Moses asked God what His name was.  God simply said ‘I Am Who I Am’.  God did not want to be labeled – he just wanted to ‘be’.  And of course, at the very core of our being, we too want to be the same way, don’t we?  To be who we are inside, to be accepted for just  being.  To say ‘I am Who I Am’ and be totally accepted and not be labeled.

God may have been able to do this – just be.  But can we just ‘be’?  I am not sure it is always possible.  At least I personally am not able to – yet.

I will start with why I used to almost always wear a Mask (my Heavy-Weight Masks).  It was because I did not truly like who I was, so why should anyone else like the real me?  It did not make any sense to me at that time.  If I did not like who I was, then I wore my many Heavy-Weight Masks – to please other people, to be more comfortable around people, to ‘pretend’ I was different – stronger, more in control of my life, more confident….and the list went on.  Until one day, I sat down and realized that the masks I always wore were becoming so comfortable that I no longer even recognized myself.  I had become a ‘people pleaser’.  I was too busy choosing which mask to wear on a particular day, for a particular event, for a particular person or group of people, that I did not have time to look inward because I was too busy covering up who I was.

Deep inside, I knew that if I stopped wearing these Heavy-Weight Masks, I would become vulnerable.  And at that point in time in my life, I did not want to be vulnerable.  I understand that now, and I embrace my ‘used to be people-pleaser self’ and I tell her ‘It is OK… you needed those masks in order to survive’.

Then I grew up, or I thought I did.   I decided that wearing masks only put extra weight on my shoulders.   The weight of those Heavy-Weight Masks was just becoming too heavy for me.  And I removed them, slowly, one by one, and did and said things that offended some people.  And for a while, I seemed to always be the one who was hurting.  For it hurts to be vulnerable.  It hurts to not have people accept the real me.  It hurts to not be perfect.  I said what was on my mind, and the people I loved the most did not like what I was saying.  Some of the things I did and said should not have been said or done, but I wanted to be ‘real’.  And I thought to myself, well that is just who I am – why can’t people accept the real me?  But somehow, I found myself feeling more alone than I had ever felt before.

So I started wearing what I call my Light-Weight Masks.  Which basically means that I only wore a mask around  certain people.  That certainly worked much better.  I could still be me inside, I could still be me with my dearest and closest friends and my husband, but I still wore one of my many Light-Weight Masks around other people.  And for a while, this became OK.  Life went on and things were pleasant.  Yet, I knew that every time I wore those masks, it was still all about protecting ‘me’.  I was still concerned about how others saw me.

Then I started to grow up even more (and am still growing up).  One day, I started to realize that any kind of mask should not be about me, but about others.  As long as I wore Masks of Kindness and Love, then was I being untrue to who I really was?  Could that be my answer? 

I have come to realize that sometimes masks are OK to wear.  As long as those masks are about others and not about me.  Never hide who you are – be authentic.  Yes, some people will reject you, some people will not accept your authentic self, and you have to be prepared for that.  Until everyone stops wearing a mask, then one has to sometimes pick up a mask of Kindness and Love and wear it. 

From where I sit, I am OK with wearing a mask in order to NOT HURT OTHERS.  If my son or my husband is having a bad day, I will pick up my mask of Kindness and Love and try to make their day a bit better.  I also wear this Mask of Kindness and Love when I keep quiet on certain issues that, if I were my authentic self, I know it would hurt other people, because they are not yet ready to understand my truth.  It took a long time for me to realize this.  Sometimes it is all right to just say ‘I hear you’ or to smile (even when you don’t feel like it).    

What about when you know others are wearing a mask? (or if you suspect they are wearing a mask?).  That, my friends, is NOT because they do not want to be authentic, but they are afraid to just ‘be’, they are afraid of being judged, they are afraid that they will not be liked.  They do not understand that there are some who are just waiting for them to remove their masks and be themselves.  That we will love them, faults and all (for not one of us is free from faults).

So why do people wear masks?  Because of fear.  Fear of not being able to say ‘I am who I am’.  And fear that people will not like their authentic selves.  I prefer to not wear a mask (most of the time anyway…I am not totally authentic yet, even to myself, although I do try to be) – I am on a journey, but I have yet to arrive. 

And always remember, When people become afraid to truly be themselves around you, you may be forcing them to wear masks.  I hope I am not that kind of person.  I hope I can accept others for exactly who they are, I hope that with me, people will not be afraid to remove whatever mask they are wearing that particular day and just be their authentic selves.  I know I am blessed to have many people in my life with whom I can ‘just be’ and know I will be accepted without judgement.  These people are hard to find, but I truly believe there are a lot of people out there who are just waiting for me to remove my mask.  I believe there are people who will love my imperfect self, who will accept me even if I am not perfect.  I also know that sometimes people may wear their own Mask of Kindness and Love around me when I am having a bad day, and I appreciate them for that, because I know they are doing so out of kindness and love for me. 

Maybe, one day, it will happen.  One day, all people will stop wearing masks and just ‘be’.  Only then will this world be ‘one’.  I am who I am, love me anyway.  You are who you are, and I love you anyway.

To summarize, some people wear masks out of fear.  Try to remove those masks, but accept them even with their masks.  People also wear masks out of Kindness and Love – those masks, in my opinion, are a blessing and I (personally) treasure them.  Be aware that some people wear masks to cover how they feel and try to be that person that they will feel comfortable enough with that they will slowly and tentatively remove their masks.  Tell them ‘you are precious in my eyes’.  Look forward to the day when all people will feel comfortable with themselves and with others that their only fear will be that of falling and of loud noise – that they will again become like a child, open to the world and not fear, but will say joyously ‘I am who I am’.