The hand that helps you is at the end of your arm. I actually find that comforting. I know at times, actually, many times, in the past, whenever I reached out for help or reached out to share my innermost feelings, I was rejected, told to 'pick myself up' or just judged and told I had done things wrong. When all I wanted was an ear to listen, someone to vent to, someone to care.
This has been the story of my life for such a long time, and at my age, I am having one heck of a time trying to change.
I once wrote a poem about being a butterfly and that is my deepest and sincere wish. To not have to hide in my cocoon - out of self-preservation when I was young, to maried life, to motherhood, to my present. I learned that people were always quick to judge me and therefore made me feel that I had no value. I picked myself up and brushed myself off and carried on. Illness in the family made me stronger and also made me realize even more that I had only myself to rely on. The crack in my armor healed itself and I became who I am. I know people have told me it was OK to ask for help, or to turn to people for help (even once being told that I was actually honoring the other person when I asked for help). That may be true in some way - but my experiences have taught me otherwise and I have a very hard time changing after all these years.
I once did turn to people for help, only to be deceived, only to be judged, only to be misunderstood. So I prefer to keep things to myself now (once in a while, I will open the door of my heart to someone, but will quickly close it). I hope they do not take offense when I do this. I was well taught - taught that my opinion was not important, that I was never right, that I had to go along with the 'majority'. So I learned in the past 4-5 years to keep hidden my true feelings - a couple of times, I did voice the way I felt inside and people took it the wrong way and judged me. So I closed up that cocoon even tighter.
I will help others should they ask for help (and not look down on them the way I was looked down when I used to ask for help). Because I know how hurtful that can be. And I refuse to hurt others the way others have hurt me.
One day, I will become a butterfly and I look forward to that day. Today, being the day before Easter, I reflect on death and life. And what is between - and I am stuck in the in-between time, just as this Saturday is the in-between time between death and new life. But one day, I will fly like a butterfly and be free of all pain, shame and sorrow. Unfortunately, I think that day will only come after my literal death. There are times when I think of my heart problems and do not worry about it the way I used to - for the life awaiting me will be better than what is now. Then I can rise, soar, and be free.
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